Stop Looking Up My Ex-Boyfriend on the Web

Day 1 of baking/pastry arts culinary program: hilarious. Plus, this is like my millionth career, I'm not proud to say.

Received a beautiful pastry kit in black (think Top Chef), plus hat and apron, yellow spiral notebook, and shiny heavy textbook from Le Cordon Bleu (not to be confused with, or pronounced the same as, Disney's Corbin Bleu). Still awaiting the rest of my gnarly uniform, the pants of which I can apparently wear over my jeans. Not! Had to get save-a-disaster styling tips from daughter Judy, which included my Juicy Couture pretty bow earrings (which she'd picked out for me one day when I was feeling sorry for myself and had given her $40 to buy me something on Bleecker Street), and my brand new navy blue low top Converse, probably the only sneaker in the world right now that is not on sale.

In that classroom with twenty desks, five other game students (two were apparently missing), one work-study type assistant, and one teacher/chef, I sensed a lot of white sugar and processed flour. But there was plenty of early morning natural light, and I'd situated myself right by the window. My first day of...gulp...trade school was about to begin.

Study of the week: cookies. My cookie: oatmeal raisin. Drop cookie. Creaming method. Finally got to use a KitchenAid, which turned out to be very hands-off, which I'm going to have to get used to. (I wasn't even allowed to scrape the sides of the bowl with my new Top Chef spatula, though next time I will definitely steal a swipe.)

They came out looking great, if I may say so, though way too huge (was instructed to use an ice-cream scoop, and now know what a two-ounce cookie looks like). Flavor pretty good, too (though too much sugar), but texture like a muffin top because either 1) I didn't drain my raisins, which had been soaking in once-boiling water, thoroughly, and/or 2) because the super cool instructor couldn't read her decimals properly, but convinced me she could, when she told me .25 was twice as great as .5. As in baking soda and baking powder. So there wasn't enough of one of those.

Best cookie of the group (though not the cutest): brownie, officially a sheet cookie (not a bar cookie). Made by the one man in the class, an older guy, though probably younger than I, who's been in the restaurant biz for twenty years. Gingersnaps could have been good, too, but made with Crisco. Will have to adapt recipe.

Next week: quick breads, scones, muffins, biscuits. Will read section in Corbin Bleu's diary beforehand, then volunteer to make the item that does not use Crisco.

Already did my homework—ten questions on cookie preparedness, plus extra credit regarding Nabisco's (National Biscuit Company's) 1912 cookie introduction to the world: the Oreo. God, how I miss George Carlin. Now what the fuck would he say about that oh, so important, ground-breaking invention?

Tip of the week for cookie recipes, though I haven't tried this at home yet, and am kind of afraid to, but: did you know that when you cream the butter and sugar together before adding the dry ingredients, that salt and any additional spices should be mixed with the butter (for more even mixing), and NOT with the dry ingredients?